The Third Shevchenko Sister
I am Peruvian by way of both parents. Though born and raised in the U.S.A., I love my mother’s motherland very much. When UFC flyweight contender, and should-be champion, Valentina “Bullet” Shevchenko came onto the fight scene, I was thrilled to spot the Peruvian flag draped over her shoulders, and screened onto her fight gear.
Today, her championship fight with current champ Nico Montano was called off due to issues with Montano’s health. This is what they call in Peru a “true bummer.” Only yesterday I was marveling at the open workout footage of Valentina and her elder sister, and newly minted UFC fighter, Antonina Shevchenko, performing a mesmerizing, synchronized fight dance.
Truly, I’ve never seen anything like it. I wanted to jump through my laptop and join them, pathetically kicking my legs knee-high and spinning awkwardly into the UFC’s “Embedded” camera crew. But, there is only room on that stage for the Shevchenko sisters, and I, as of yet, am not one of them.
And this got my tiny wheels spinning. Bullet is from Kyrgyzstan but lives, sort of, out of Lima, Peru. I am from America, but genetically, according to Ancestry DNA, am the direct descendant of the dude that fanned Atahualpa, the last emperor of the Incas.* (*Not true.)
I bet if somehow, I made contact with Shevchenko, citing our deep love for the “land of hidden treasures” as bait, and invited her to dinner over guinea pig and Inca Kola, she would accept. Once at my table, Shevchenko would see that despite my sad and weak disposition, I too was a hidden treasure. And, as a fellow Peruvian compatriot, she would take pity on me.
Shevchenko’s pity would come in the shape of intense Muay Thai training and arduous Lezginka dance lessons. And then, after years and years of rebuilding my frail, yet pudgy, 5-foot frame, the Bullet would sacrifice me to the Incan gods as tribute for her tenth flyweight title defense.
Even in my own lame fantasy, Shevchenko is too cool to accept me into her family as the third Shevchenko sister. But Antonina, if you ever give up on life and want to swap families, let me know.