INTERVIEW: UFC 229 VIP Folding Chair
After UFC president Dana White tweeted a photo of a UFC 229- branded folding chair to be included with the purchase of VIP tickets, we knew the only pre-fight interview that mattered was this one. Little did we know it would turn dark so quickly.
THE STRAIGHT PUNCH: How has your life changed since Dana White tweeted that photo of you standing in the middle of the arena?
VIP FOLDING CHAIR: It’s interesting, you know; things have unfolded rather quickly.
TSP: Did you know you were part of the ticket package before Dana’s tweet? Did you know you would be going home, so to speak, with the bum that bought you?
CHAIR: No. Definitely did not know that the ass who sits on me gets to take me home. I found out like everybody else. Online. Me and Joanna Jedrzejczyk, it’s like, same.
TSP: Since the news broke, has anyone talked to you about post-fight logistics? How exactly will you leave the arena?
CHAIR: Great question. Can you guess my answer?
TSP: Is it NO?
CHAIR: Correctomundo. The UFC is touting this as the biggest fight in their history. Okay, cool. But what does that actually mean for me? It means the beer will flow. And probably, at some point, flow onto my face. I mean, I like beer. I like beer. But what happens when it’s time to go? You think the rich boy who bought me will be able to carry me out of T-Mobile unscathed? And then what? Now we’re on the strip. You’re drunk. I’m wet. Your buddies have their chairs too, and maybe they sit us all down and form a prayer circle. But five bucks says by Monday morning I’m face down in the basement of a homeless shelter, trapped underneath a pile of metal chairs with NO CUSHION.
TSP: You’re assuming somebody irresponsible has bought you. In an ideal world, whose chair would you be?
CHAIR: Your mom’s. Or Anthony Kiedis.
TSP: Do you think the UFC should spend more money on its fighters and less money on chairs like you?
CHAIR: Well, yeah, it’s tricky. If I don’t go to T-Mobile for UFC 229, I end up where? At a party supply store waiting for Bob and Sally to rent me for their 50th anniversary party? So, maybe this isn’t such a bad gig. I will say this. I’m not cheap. After the cushioning and screen printing…. I’m basically the Conor McGregor of folding chairs.
TSP: But for all your value, you still don’t have a say about who sits on you?
CHAIR: You’re kinda putting me in the hot seat here.
TSP: How so?
CHAIR: Fine. Screw it. No one’s gonna read this anyway. The thing is, I see everything. The chairs being wheeled out, stacked atop each other like metal carcasses. Lined up like little prisoners, forced to stay put for hours on end and support tremendous amounts of weight. I’m the badass chair that gets special treatment. Dana White takes my picture. But what about the other chairs? The ones that are just as good as me, but don’t make the Twitter feed. The ones without cushioning, or screen printing, or even rubber grips. But what can I do? If I don’t go along to get along, then I’m back with Bob and Sally.
TSP: If you’re not willing to fight for yourself and for your kind, then what will you fight for? What do you stand for?
CHAIR: I guess, I guess I stand for nothing….